The Twilight Saga

Yeah, it's the teen craze, I know, but for some reason every girl is in love with Jacob for his abs.  I mean, seriously, get a fashion magazine if you wanna see guys with great bodies.  Or if you just like topless guys, watch a Matthew McConaughey.  I assure you, he's topless every other scene.  Anyways, Edward?  Girls like him because he's mysterious.  Although being a fruity sparkly vampirette, girls still think the whole "I don't wanna be a monster, mommy!" thing is really hot and it makes up for the fact that he murdered people and drank their blood?  And Bella is just author wish-fulfillment.  The authoress wanted to be Bella, so she made Twilight her own little fairy tale of how her life would be so great with a vampirette and a were-puppy fighting over her.  Wake up, 1. Mythical creatures don't exist except for trolls, but we'll discuss Kathy Bates and Rosey O'Donnell later.  2. It's not good to have two immortal monsters wanting to kill each other over you.  It results in... oh... I don't know... a war between two immortal societies that love nothing more than to kill each other?  That'll be great for publicity, "Come to Forks, WA, home of the Vampire-Werewolf Wars!"  3. Girls don't meet some dark, mysterious, hot dude who just HAPPENS to be one of the only Vampires without a pair, thus making him not want to kill her.  Great plot-twist, authoress, you made it not only impossibly unrealistic but also very gay.
Thanks,
Matt


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Christian Music

I've been researching this a bit and I've come to a conclusion.  The best Christian artists are about equivalent to the worst non-Christian artists.  That means Casting Crowns are equivalent in talent to Toby Keith.  The pool of Christian musicians is so much smaller than the normal pool of musicians that, like Cartman said, all you have to do is toss in the words "Jesus, God, and Holiness" and you're a hit.  And there are Christian rappers?  I'm sorry, but Christianity + Rap = Wait what?  God skipped a heartbeat when an angel told him there are Christian Rappers, I'm sure.  So now there are people out their rapping about loving God.  It doesn't really click.  So now Christians can feel gangster but not be sinning?  Great.  Now, you're simultaneously butchering two musical cultures.  Being a Christian musician is like being in a Private Server in WoW.  You're cut off from the real talent and real players so you can just mess around, level up, but still think you're tough sh*beep*.
Thanks,
Matt


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300

I watched the movie 300, directed by Zack Snyder and starring Gerard Butler.  I have never seen a movie based off of a historical event so TERRIBLY portrayed.  1.  There were no trolls, demons, or hobgoblins in the Persian Empire.  Sorry, Hollywood, 10-foot tall super-soldiers didn't grow on trees.  2.  The Athenians, portrayed as pussies and politicians, were actually the only reason the Spartans lived, they held off the Persian fleet so the Persians couldn't sail around and attack the Spartans from both sides. 3.  Of course, Hollywood forgets to mention the other 5,800 soldiers with the Spartans.  It wasn't just some 300 Spartans and a few Thespians being all lone wolf and bad ass.  It was 6,100 angry Greeks.  4.  The Immortals weren't named Immortals because they never died.  It was just because there were so many it seemed that once you killed one, there was another in its place instantaneously.  They were just slaves with spears/swords and hauberks.  Nothing  special, just foot soldiers with basic weaponry and little-to-no armour.  Please, Hollywood, do your history before you let your writers hit the ganja.
Thanks,
Matt

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The Beginner's Ethical Guide To Hacking

Lady GaGa

Lady GaGa is quite possibly the strangest Human being to walk the Earth.  In fact, I've been questioning whether or not she's actually human.  Behind her catchy lyrics and meat dresses, is that an Alien?  I saw Paranormal Activity in the dark.  The only thing I can imagine that would scare me more is Lady GaGa holding my hand.  If she even barely leaned toward me I'd have her arrested for Attempted Cannibalism.  With Lady GaGa you often have no idea what's next.  Is she going to put a cow's testicle on a string and call it her "Happy Necklace"?  You never know.
Thanks,
Matt.

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The Beginner's Ethical Guide To Hacking

Justin Bieber

I've been hearing a lot about Justin Bieber in the past year or so.  He has gone from a young Canadian YouTube sensation to a mind-controlling teen craze.  The video for his song "Baby" (featuring Ludacris) has over 477 million views, making it the most popular video in YouTube history.  I have been researching more about him.  I wanted to know whether or not it's worth it to say I like him or not.  I found out: most people actually like him, but say they don't.  Whether it's his immensely feminine voice or his catchy rhythms, it drives people unerringly towards him.  But, because he's feminine and a guy, most males "hate" him with a passion, while secretly liking him.  It is considered socially unacceptable for a guy to like him, and socially unacceptable for a girl to dislike him.
Thanks,
Matt

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The Beginner's Ethical Guide To Hacking